Ешь, молись, люби

Chapter 50

           

           WhenItriedthismorning,afteranhourorsoofunhappythinking,todipbackintomymeditation,Itookanewideawithme:compassion.Iaskedmyheartifitcouldpleaseinfusemysoulwithamoregenerousperspectiveonmymind’sworkings.InsteadofthinkingthatIwasafailure,couldIperhapsacceptthatIamonlyahumanbeing-andanormalone,atthat?Thethoughtscameupasusual-OK,soitwillbe-andthentheattendantemotionsrose,too.Ibeganfeelingfrustratedandjudgmentalaboutmyself,lonelyandangry.Butthenafierceresponseboiledupfromsomewhereinthedeepestcavernsofmyheart,andItoldmyself,"Iwillnotjudgeyouforthesethoughts."

           Mymindtriedtoprotest,said,"Yeah,butyou’resuchafailure,you’resuchaloser,you’llneveramounttoanything-"

           Butsuddenlyitwaslikealionwasroaringfromwithinmychest,drowningallthisclaptrapout.AvoicebellowedinmelikenothingIhadeverheardbefore.Itwassointernally,eternallyloudthatIactuallyclampedmyhandovermymouthbecauseIwasafraidthatifIopenedmymouthandletthissoundout,itwouldshakethefoundationsofbuildingsasfarawayasDetroit.

           Andthisiswhatitroared:

           YOUHAVENOIDEAHOWSTRONGMYLOVEIS!!!!!!!!!

           Thechattering,negativethoughtsinmymindscatteredinthewindofthisstatementlikebirdsandjackrabbitsandantelopes-theyhightaileditoutofthere,terrified.Silencefollowed.Anintense,vibrating,awedsilence.Thelioninthegiantsavannahofmyheartsurveyedhisnewlyquietkingdomwithsatisfaction

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