Ешь, молись, люби

Chapter 18

           ThisisthefirsttimeI’vedonethissinceIcametoItaly.WhatIwriteinmyjournaltonightisthatIamweakandfulloffear.IexplainthatDepressionandLonelinesshaveshownup,andI’mscaredtheywillneverleave.IsaythatIdon’twanttotakethedrugsanymore,butI’mfrightenedIwillhaveto.I’mterrifiedthatIwillneverreallypullmylifetogether.

           Inresponse,somewherefromwithinme,risesanow-familiarpresence,offeringmeallthecertaintiesIhavealwayswishedanotherpersonwouldsaytomewhenIwastroubled.ThisiswhatIfindmyselfwritingtomyselfonthepage:

           I’mhere.Iloveyou.Idon’tcareifyouneedtostayupcryingallnightlong,Iwillstaywithyou.Ifyouneedthemedicationagain,goaheadandtakeit-Iwillloveyouthroughthat,aswell.Ifyoudon’tneedthemedication,Iwillloveyou,too.There’snothingyoucaneverdotolosemylove.Iwillprotectyouuntilyoudie,andafteryourdeathIwillstillprotectyou.IamstrongerthanDepressionandIambraverthanLonelinessandnothingwilleverexhaustme.

           Tonight,thisstrangeinteriorgestureoffriendship-thelendingofahandfrommetomyselfwhennobodyelseisaroundtooffersolace-remindsmeofsomethingthathappenedtomeonceinNewYorkCity.Iwalkedintoanofficebuildingoneafternooninhurry,dashedintothewaitingelevator.AsIrushedin,Icaughtanunexpectedglimpseofmyselfinasecuritymirror’sreflection

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