Ешь, молись, люби

Chapter 46

           IrememberthinkingthatIprobablydidn’thaveenoughfaithtoeverexperienceanythingreallywildlikeunleashedkundalinishakti.IrememberthinkingthatIwastoobrainy,notintuitiveenough,andthatmydevotionalpathwasprobablygoingtobemoreintellectualthanesoteric.Iwouldpray,Iwouldreadbooks,Iwouldthinkinterestingthoughts,butIwouldprobablyneverascendintothekindofdivinemeditativeblissSaintTeresadescribes.ButthatwasOK.Istillloveddevotionalpractice.It’sjustthatkundalinishaktiwasn’tforme.

           Thenextday,though,somethinginterestingdidhappen.WewereallgatheredwiththeGuruoncemore.Sheledusintomeditation,andinthemiddleofitall,Ifellasleep(orwhateverthestatewas)andhadadream.Inthisdream,Iwasonabeach,attheocean.Thewavesweremassiveandterrifyingandtheywerebuildingfast.Suddenly,amanappearedbesideme.ItwasmyGuru’sownmaster-agreatcharismaticYogiIwillrefertohereonlyas"Swamiji"(whichisSanskritfor"belovedmonk").Swamijihaddiedin1982.IknewhimonlyfromphotographsaroundtheAshram.Eventhroughthesephotographs-Imustadmit-I’dalwaysfoundtheguytobealittletooscary,alittletoopowerful,alittletoomuchonfireformytaste.I’dbeendodgingtheideaofhimforalongtime,andgenerallyavoidinghisgazeasitstareddownatmefromthewalls.Heseemedoverwhelming.Hewasn’tmykindofGuru.I’dalwayspreferredmylovely,compassionate,femininelivingmastertothisdeceased(butstillfierce)character

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