Ешь, молись, люби

Chapter 30

           Ithinkpeoplehavechildrenforallmannerofreasons-sometimesoutofapuredesiretonurtureandwitnesslife,sometimesoutofanabsenceofchoice,sometimesinordertoholdontoapartnerorcreateanheir,sometimeswithoutthinkingaboutitinanyparticularway.Notallthereasonstohavechildrenarethesame,andnotallofthemarenecessarilyunselfish.Notallthereasonsnottohavechildrenarethesame,either,though.Norareallthosereasonsnecessarilyselfish.

           IsaythisbecauseI’mstillworkingoutthataccusation,whichwasleveledagainstmemanytimesbymyhusbandasourmarriagewascollapsing-selfishness.Everytimehesaidit,Iagreedcompletely,acceptedtheguilt,boughteverythinginthestore.MyGod,Ihadn’tevenhadthebabiesyet,andIwasalreadyneglectingthem,alreadychoosingmyselfoverthem.Iwasalreadyabadmother.Thesebabies-thesephantombabies-cameupalotinourarguments.Whowouldtakecareofthebabies?Whowouldstayhomewiththebabies?Whowouldfinanciallysupportthebabies?Whowouldfeedthebabiesinthemiddleofthenight?IremembersayingoncetomyfriendSusan,whenmymarriagewasbecomingintolerable,"Idon’twantmychildrengrowingupinahouseholdlikethis."Susansaid,"Whydon’tyouleavethoseso-calledchildrenoutofthediscussion?Theydon’tevenexistyet,Liz.Whycan’tyoujustadmitthatyoudon’twanttoliveinunhappinessanymore?Thatneitherofyoudoes.Andit’sbettertorealizeitnow,bytheway,thaninthedeliveryroomwhenyou’reatfivecentimeters.

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