Chapter 6

           MystateofmindregardingthepilferingfromwhichIhadbeensounexpectedlyexonerateddidnotimpelmetofrankdisclosure;butIhopeithadsomedregsofgoodatthebottomofit.

           IdonotrecallthatIfeltanytendernessofconscienceinreferencetoMrs.Joe,whenthefearofbeingfoundoutwasliftedoffme.ButIlovedJoeperhapsfornobetterreasoninthoseearlydaysthanbecausethedearfellowletmelovehimand,astohim,myinnerselfwasnotsoeasilycomposed.Itwasmuchuponmymind(particularlywhenIfirstsawhimlookingaboutforhisfile)thatIoughttotellJoethewholetruth.YetIdidnot,andforthereasonthatImistrustedthatifIdid,hewouldthinkmeworsethanIwas.ThefearoflosingJoe’sconfidence,andofthenceforthsittinginthechimneycorneratnightstaringdrearilyatmyforeverlostcompanionandfriend,tiedupmytongue.ImorbidlyrepresentedtomyselfthatifJoeknewit,Ineverafterwardscouldseehimatthefiresidefeelinghisfairwhisker,withoutthinkingthathewasmeditatingonit.That,ifJoeknewit,Ineverafterwardscouldseehimglance,howevercasually,atyesterday’smeatorpuddingwhenitcameonto-day’stable,withoutthinkingthathewasdebatingwhetherIhadbeeninthepantry.That,ifJoeknewit,andatanysubsequentperiodofourjointdomesticliferemarkedthathisbeerwasflatorthick,theconvictionthathesuspectedTarinit,wouldbringarushofbloodtomyface.

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