Большие ожидания

Chapter 14

           Itisnotpossibletoknowhowfartheinfluenceofanyamiablehonest-heartedduty-doingmanfliesoutintotheworld;butitisverypossibletoknowhowithastouchedone’sselfingoingby,andIknowrightwellthatanygoodthatintermixeditselfwithmyapprenticeshipcameofplaincontentedJoe,andnotofrestlesslyaspiringdiscontentedme.

           WhatIwanted,whocansay?HowcanIsay,whenIneverknew?WhatIdreadedwas,thatinsomeunluckyhourI,beingatmygrimiestandcommonest,shouldliftupmyeyesandseeEstellalookinginatoneofthewoodenwindowsoftheforge.Iwashauntedbythefearthatshewould,soonerorlater,findmeout,withablackfaceandhands,doingthecoarsestpartofmywork,andwouldexultovermeanddespiseme.Oftenafterdark,whenIwaspullingthebellowsforJoe,andweweresingingOldClem,andwhenthethoughthowweusedtosingitatMissHavisham’swouldseemtoshowmeEstella’sfaceinthefire,withherprettyhairflutteringinthewindandhereyesscorningmeoftenatsuchatimeIwouldlooktowardsthosepanelsofblacknightinthewallwhichthewoodenwindowsthenwere,andwouldfancythatIsawherjustdrawingherfaceaway,andwouldbelievethatshehadcomeatlast.

           Afterthat,whenwewentintosupper,theplaceandthemealwouldhaveamorehomelylookthanever,andIwouldfeelmoreashamedofhomethanever,inmyownungraciousbreast.

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