Chapter 21. The History of a Self-Tormentor

           

           Ihavethemisfortuneofnotbeingafool.FromaveryearlyageIhavedetectedwhatthoseaboutmethoughttheyhidfromme.IfIcouldhavebeenhabituallyimposedupon,insteadofhabituallydiscerningthetruth,Imighthavelivedassmoothlyasmostfoolsdo.

           Mychildhoodwaspassedwithagrandmother;thatistosay,withaladywhorepresentedthatrelativetome,andwhotookthattitleonherself.Shehadnoclaimtoit,butI—beingtothatextentalittlefool—hadnosuspicionofher.Shehadsomechildrenofherownfamilyinherhouse,andsomechildrenofotherpeople.Allgirls;teninnumber,includingme.Wealllivedtogetherandwereeducatedtogether.

           ImusthavebeenabouttwelveyearsoldwhenIbegantoseehowdeterminedlythosegirlspatronisedme.IwastoldIwasanorphan.Therewasnootherorphanamongus;andIperceived(herewasthefirstdisadvantageofnotbeingafool)thattheyconciliatedmeinaninsolentpity,andinasenseofsuperiority.Ididnotsetthisdownasadiscovery,rashly.Itriedthemoften.Icouldhardlymakethemquarrelwithme.WhenIsucceededwithanyofthem,theyweresuretocomeafteranhourortwo,andbeginareconciliation.Itriedthemoverandoveragain,andIneverknewthemwaitformetobegin.Theywerealwaysforgivingme,intheirvanityandcondescension.Littleimagesofgrownpeople!

           Oneofthemwasmychosenfriend.IlovedthatstupidmiteinapassionatewaythatshecouldnomoredeservethanIcanrememberwithoutfeelingashamedof,thoughIwasbutachild.Shehadwhattheycalledanamiabletemper,anaffectionatetemper.

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