Волхв

Chapter 76

           Icouldn’tcallitlove,becauseIsawitassomethingexperimental,depending,evenbeforetheexperimentproperbegan,onfactorslikethedegreeofhercontrition,thefullnessofherconfession,theextenttowhichshecouldconvincemethatshestilllovedme;thatherlovehadcausedherbetrayal.AndthenIfelttowardstheexperimentpropersomeofthemixedfascinationandrepulsiononefeelsforanintelligentreligion;Iknewthere"mustbesomething"init,butIassurelyknewthatIwasnotthereligioustype.Besides,thelogicalconclusionofthismoreclearlyseendistinctionbetweenloveandsexwascertainlynotaninvitationtoenteraworldoffidelity;andinonesenseMrs.deSeitashadbeenpreachingtotheconvertedinallthatshehadsaidaboutacleansurgicalabscissionofwhatwentonintheloinsfromwhatwentonintheheart.Yetsomethingverydeepinmerevolted.Icouldswallowhertheory,butitlayqueasilyonmystomach.Itfloutedsomethingdeeperthanconventionandreceivedideas.ItfloutedaninnatesensethatIoughttofindallIneededinAlisonandthatifIfailedtodoso,thensomethingmorethanmoralityorsensualitywasinvolved;somethingIcouldn’tdefine,butwhichwasbothbiologicalandmetaphysical;todowithevolutionandwithdeath.PerhapsLilydeSeitaslookedforwardtoasexualmoralityforthetwenty-firstcentury;butsomethingwasmissing,somevitalsafeguard;andIsuspectedIsawtothetwenty-second.Easytothinksuchthings;buthardertolivethem,inthemeanwhilestilltwentiethcentury.

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