Chapter 45

           Lilyglancedathim,thenatme,asifitwasformetosaysomething.IhalfexpectedtohearavoicecallinginNorwegianfromMoutsa,ortoseesomebrilliantlycontrivedpillaroffireriseoutofthetrees.Buttherewasalongsilence:onlythecricketscheeping."Youneverwentbackthere?""Sometimestoreturnisavulgarity.""Butyoumusthavebeencurioustoknowhowitallended?""Notatall.Perhapsoneday,Nicholas,youwillhaveanexperiencethatmeansagreatdealtoyou."Icouldhearnoironyinhisvoice,butitwasimplicit."YouwillthenrealizewhatImeanwhenIsaythatsomeexperiencessopossessyouthattheonethingyoucannottolerateisthethoughtoftheirnotbeinginsomewayforeverpresent.SeidevarreisaplaceIdonotwanttimetotouch.SoIamnotinterestedinwhatitisnow.Orwhattheyarenow.Iftheystillare.""ButyousaidyouwouldwritetoGustav?""SoIdid.Hewrotetome.Hewrotefortwoyearswithregularity,atleastonceaseason.Butheneverreferredtowhatinterestsyouexcepttosaythatthesituationwasunchanged.Hisletterswerefullofornithologicalnotes.Theybecameverydullreading,becauseInolongertookanyinterestintheclassifyingaspectsofnaturalhistory.Ourlettersbecameveryinfrequent.IthinkIhadaChristmascardfromhimin1926or1927.Sincethen,nosound.Heisdeadnow.Henrikisdead,Ragnarisdead.Multadocetfames."ItwasLilywhotranslated."Hungerteachesmanythings.""Deathstarvesusoflife.Sowelearntofabricateourownimmortalities.

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