Chapter 24

           Astarrydarknessoverthehouse,theforest,thesea;thedinnerclearedaway,thelampextinguished.Ilaybackinthelongchair.Heletthenightsilentlyenvelopandpossessus;timefallaway;thenbegantodrawmebackdownthedecades."April,1915.IreturnedwithouttroubletoEngland.IdidnotknowwhatIshoulddo.ExceptthatIhadinsomewaytojustifymyself.Atnineteenoneisnotcontentsimplytodothings.Theyhavetobejustifiedaswell.Mymotherfaintedwhenshesawme.ForthefirstandlasttimeinmylifeIsawmyfatherintears.UntilthatmomentofconfrontationIhaddeterminedthatIwouldtellthetruth.ThatIcouldnotdeceivethem.Yetbeforethem,Icouldnotdoanythingbutdeceive.Perhapsitwaspurecowardice,itisnotformetosay.Buttherearesometruthstoocruel,beforethefacesonehastoannouncethemto,tobetold.SoIsaidthatIhadbeenluckyinadrawforleave,andthatnowMontaguewasdeadIwastorejoinmyoriginalbattalion.Amadnesstodeceive.Noteconomically,butwiththeutmostluxury.IinventedanewbattleofNeuveChapelle,asiftheoriginalhadnotbeenbadenough.IeventoldthemIhadbeenrecommendedforacommission.Atfirstfortunewasonmyside.TwodaysafterIreturned,officialnotificationcamethatIwasmissing,believedkilledinaction.Suchmistakesoccurredfrequentlyenoughformyparentstosuspectnothing.Theletterwasjoyouslytornup."AndLily.PerhapsthatwaitingbeforetheknowledgecamethatIwassafehadmadeherseemoreclearlyherrealfeelingsforme.

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