Волхв

Chapter 76

           IspentmanyofmywakinghoursinSohoorChelsea;andtheyarenottheareaswherethechastefiancégoesunlessheisburningtotesthischastity.Thereweredragonsenoughintheforest,fromthefardedoldbagsinthedoorwaysofCreekStreettotheequallypickupablebutmoreappetizing"models"anddemidebsoftheKing’sRoad.EverysooftenIwouldseeagirlwhowouldexcitemesexually.Ibeganbyrepressingtheveryidea;thenfranklyadmittedit.IfIresolutelybackedoutof,orlookedawayfrom,promisingsituations,itwasforavarietyofreasons;andreasonsgenerallymoreselfishthannoble.Iwantedtoshowthemiftheyhadeyespresenttobeshown,andIcouldneverbesurethattheyhadn’tthatIcouldlivewithoutaffaires;andlessconsciouslyIwantedtoshowmyselfthesamething.IalsowantedtobeabletofaceAlisonwiththeknowledgethatIhadbeenfaithfultoher,thoughIpartlywantedthisknowledgeasaweapon,anaddedlashtothecatifthecathadtobeused.ThetruthwasthattherecurrentnewfeelingIhadforAlisonhadnothingtodowithsex.PerhapsithadsomethingtodowithmyalienationfromEnglandandtheEnglish,myspecieslessness,mysenseofexile;butitseemedtomethatIcouldhavesleptwithadifferentgirleverynight,andstillhavegoneonwantingtoseeAlisonjustasmuch.Iwantedsomethingelsefromhernowandwhatitwasonlyshecouldgiveme.Thatwasthedistinction.Anyonecouldgivemesex.Butonlyshecouldgivemethisothersituation.

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