Волхв

Chapter 65

           Butnothingcouldpreventmycomingtotheislandthefollowingsummer.Andthenwewouldseewhohadthelastlaugh.IgotupandlefttheEarth,andwenttothehouse;walkedonelasttimeunderthecolonnade.Thechairsweregone,eventhebell.Inthevegetablegardenthecucumberplantslayyellowedanddying;thePriapushadbeenremoved.Iwasfullofamultiplesadness,forthepast,forthepresent,forthefuture.EventhenIwasnotwaitingonlytosay,tofeel,goodbye,butfractionallyinthehopethatafiguremightappear.IdidnotknowwhatIwouldhavedoneifonedid,anymorethanIknewwhatIwasgoingtodowhenIgottoAthens.IfIwantedtoliveinEngland;whatIwantedtodo.IwasinthesamestateaswhenIcamedownfromOxford.IonlyknewwhatIdidn’twanttodo;andallIhadgained,inthematterofchoosingacareer,wasaviolentdeterminationneveragaintobeateacherofanysort.I’demptydustbirisratherthanthat.Anemotionaldesertlayinfrontofme,aninabilityevertofallinloveagainthatwascompoundedofthevirtualdeathofLilyandtheactualdeathofAlison.IwasdisintoxicatedofLily;butmydisappointmentatfailingtomatchherhadbecomeinpartadisappointmentatmyowncharacter;anunwantedyetinevitablefeelingthatshewouldvitiateorhauntanyrelationshipImightformwithanotherwoman;standasaghostbehindeverylackoftaste,everystupidity.OnlyAlisoncouldhaveexorcizedher

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