Волхв

Chapter 8

           Suddenly,inthatsameterribleweek,theGreekspringwaswithus.Inonlytwodays,itseemed,theearthwascoveredwithanemones,orchids,asphodels,wildgladioli;foroncetherewerebirdseverywhere,onmigration.Undulatinglinesofstorkscroakedoverhead,theskywasblue,pure,theboyssang,andeventhesternestmasterssmiled.Theworldaroundmetookwing,andIwasstucktotheground;aCatulluswithouttalentforcedtoinhabitalandthatwasLesbiawithoutmercy.Ihadhideousnights,inoneofwhichIwrotealonglettertoAlison,tryingtoexplainwhathadhappenedtome,howIrememberedwhatshehadsaidinherletterinthecanteen,hownowIcouldbelieveher;howIloathedmyself.EventhenImanagedtosoundresentful,formyleavingherbegantoseemlikethelastandtheworstofmybadgambles.Imighthavebeenmarriedtoher;atleastIshouldhavehadacompanioninthedesert.Ididnotposttheletter,butagainandagain,nightafternight,Ithoughtofsuicide.Itseemedtomethatdeathhadmarkedmyfamilydown,rightbacktothosetwounclesIhadneverknown,onekilledatYpresandtheotheratPasschendaele;thenmyparents.Allviolent,pointlessdeaths,lostgambles.IwasworseoffthanevenAlisonwas;shehatedlife,Ihatedmyself.Ihadcreatednothing,Ibelongedtonothingness,tothenéant,anditseemedtomethatmyowndeathwastheonlythingleftthatIcouldcreate;andstill,eventhen,Ithoughtitmightaccuseeveryonewhohadeverknownme.

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