Волхв

Chapter 60

           Thatis,theveryoppositeofhazard.ThefiatinRussellSquare…butIhadgotitbyansweringachanceadvertisementintheNewStatesman.MeetingAlisonthatveryfirstevening…butImightsoeasilyhavenotgonetotheparty,nothavewaitedthosefewminutes…andMargaret,AnnTaylor,allofthem…thehypothesisbecametop-heavy,andcrashed.Istaredatmyself.Theyweretryingtodrivememad,tobrainwashmeinsomeastoundingway.ButIclungtoreality.Iclungtoo,tosomethinginAlison,somethinglikeatinylimpidcrystalofeternalnonbetrayal.Likealightinthedarkestnight.Likeateardrop.Aneternalinabilitytobesocruel.Andthetearsthatforabriefmomentformedinmyowneyeswereakindofbitterguaranteethatshewasindeeddead.Theywerenotonlytearsforher,butalsotearsofrageatConchisandJulie;atthecertaintythattheyknewshewasdeadandwereusingthisnewdoubt,thistorturingpossibilitythatcouldnotbeapossibility,torackme.Toperformonme,forsomeincomprehensiblereason,aviciouslycruelvivisectionofthemind.Asiftheyonlywantedtopunishme;andpunishme;andpunishmeagain.Withnoright;andncreason.Isatwithmyhandsclenchedagainstmyhead.Fragmentsofthingstheyhadsaidkeptoncomingback,withdreadfuldoublemeanings;aconstantdramaticirony.AlmosteverylineConchisandLilyhadspokenwasironic;rightuptothatlast,transparentlydouble-meaning,dialoguewithJune.Windandrunningwater.Icannotstanddishonestyinpersonalrelationships.

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