Волхв

Chapter 7

           ThephysicalacheIhadfeltforherduringthefirstweeksseemedtodisappear;therewerestilltimeswhenIknewIwantedherverymuch,andwouldhavegivenanythingtohaveherinbedbesideme.Buttheyweremomentsofsexualfrustration,notregrettedlove.OnedayIthought:ifIwasn’tonthisislandIshouldbedroppingthisgirl.Thewritingofthelettershadbecomeasoftenasnotmoreofachorethanapleasure,andIdidn’thurrybacktomyroomafterdinnertowritethemIscribbledthemoffhurriedlyinclassandgotaboytorundowntothegateatthelastminutetogivethemtotheschoolpostman.

           Athalf-termIwentwithDemetriadestoAthens.Hewantedtotakemetohisfavoritebrothel,inasuburb.Heassuredmethegirlswereclean.Ihesitated,then.isn’titapoet’s,tosaynothingofacynic’s,moraldutytobeimmoral?Iwent.Whenwecameoutofit,itwasraining,andtheshadowingwetleavesonthelowerbranchesofaeucalyptus,caughtunderalightintheentrance,mademerememberourbedroominRussellSquare.ButAlisonandLondonweregone,dead,exorcized;Ihadcutthemawayfrommylife.IdecidedIwouldwritealettertoAlisonthatnight,tosaythatIdidn’twanttohearfromheragain.Iwastoodrunkbythetimewegotbacktothehotel,andIdon’tknowwhatIwouldhavesaid.Perhaps,thatIhadprovedbeyonddoubtthatIwasnotworthwaitingfor;perhapsthatsheboredme;perhapsthatIwaslonelierthaneverandwantedtostaythatway.

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