Волхв

Chapter 1

           WeformedasmallclubcalledLesHommesRévoltés,drankverydrysherry,and(asaprotestagainstthoseshabbydufflecoatedlastyearsoftheforties)woredarkgraysuitsandblacktiesforourmeetings;wearguedaboutessenceandexistenceandcalledacertainkindofinconsequentialbehaviorexistentialist.Lessenlightenedpeoplewouldhavecalleditcapriciousorjustplainselfish;butwedidn’trealizethattheheroes,oranti-heroes,oftheFrenchexistentialistnovelswereadwerenotsupposedtoberealistic.Wetriedtoimitatethem,mistakingmetaphoricaldescriptionsofcomplexmodesoffeelingforstraightforwardprescriptionsofbehavior.Wedulyfelttherightanguishes.Mostofus,truetotheeternaldandyismofOxford,simplywantedtolookdifferent.Inourclub,wedid.

           Iacquiredexpensivehabitsandaffectedmanners.Igotathird-classdegreeandafirst-classillusionthatIwasapoet.Butnothingcouldhavebeenlesspoeticthanmypseudo-aristocratic,seeingthrough-allboredomwithlifeingeneralandwithmakingalivinginparticular.Iwastoogreentoknowthatallcynicismmasksafailuretocopeanimpotence,inshort;andthattodespisealleffortisthegreatesteffortofall.ButIdidabsorbasmalldoseofonepermanentlyusefulthing,Oxford’sgreatestgifttocivilizedlife:Socratichonesty.Itshowedme,veryintermittently,thatitisnotenoughtorevoltagainstone’spast.

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