Волхв

Chapter 42

           Itirritatedmestillthatsheputsomuchrelianceonthebodything,thesharedorgasm.Hermistakingthatforlove,hernotseeingthatlovewassomethingotherthemysteryofwithdrawal,reserve,walkingawaythroughthetrees,turningthemouthawayatthelastmoment.OnParnassusofallmountains,Ithought,herunsubtlety,herinabilitytohidebehindmetaphor,oughttooffendme;toboremeasuncomplexpoetrynormallyboredme.AndyetinsomewayIcouldn’tdefineshehad,hadalwayshad,thissecrettrickofslippingthroughalltheobstaclesIputbetweenus;asifshewerereallymysister,hadaccesstounfairpressuresandcouldalwaysevokedeepsimilaritiestoannul,ortomakeseemshallow,thedifferencesintasteorfeeling.Shebegantotalkaboutbeinganairhostess;aboutherself."OhJesus,excitement.Thatlastsaboutacoupleofduties.Newfaces,newcities,newromanceswithhandsomepilots.Mostofthepilotsthinkwe’repartoftheaircrewamenities.JustqueueinguptobeblessedbytheirmiserableoldBattle-of-Britaincocks."Ilaughed."Nicko,it’snotfunny.Itdestroysyou.Thatbloodytinpipe.Andallthatfreedom,thatspaceoutside.SometimesIjustwanttopullthesafetyhandleandbesuckedout.Justfalling,aminuteofwonderfullonelypassengerlessfalling…""You’renotserious."Shelookedback."Moreseriousthanyouthink.Wecallitcharmdepression.Whenyougetsopenny-in-the-slotcharmingthatyoustopbeinghumananymore.

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