Волхв

Chapter 20

           Tomeallthatisotherseemedexquisite.Eventhatcorpse,eventhesquealingrats.Tobeabletoexperience,nevermindthatitwascoldandhungerandnausea,wasamiracle.Trytoimaginethatonedayyoudiscoveryouhaveasixth,atillthenunimaginednewsensesomethingnotcomprehendedinfeeling,seeing,theconventionalfive.Butafarprofoundersense,thesourcefromwhichallothersspring.Theword’being’nolongerpassiveanddescriptive,butactive…almostimperative."BeforethenightwasendedIknewthatIhadhadwhatreligiouspeoplewouldcallaconversion.Alightinheavenindeedshoneonme,fortherewereconstantstarshells.ButIhadnosenseofGod.Onlyofhavingleaptalifetimeinonenight."Hewassilentforamoment.Iwishedtherewassomeonebesideme,anAlison,somefriend,whocouldsavorandsharethelivingdarkness,thestars,theterraces,thevoice.Buttheywouldhavehadtopassthroughallthoselastmonthswithme.Ihadthecomfortingsensethatthisterrace,thisstrangestory-tellingandmeeting,wasmyreward.Thepassiontoexist:Iforgavemyselfmyfailuretodie."Iamtryingtodescribetoyouwhathappenedtome,whatIwas.NotwhatIshouldhavebeen.Nottherightsandwrongsofconscientiousobjection.Ibegyoutorememberthat."BeforedawntherewasanotherGermanbombardment.Theyattackedatfirstlight,theirgeneralshavingmadeexactlythesamemistakeasoursthedaybefore.Theysufferedevenheaviercasualties.

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