Волхв

Chapter 20

           Someoneleaptintheothersideoftheshell-hole.HemusthavebeenaCatholic,becausehewasgabblingAve’s.ThentherewasanotherscuffleandIheardhimgoinafallingofbitsofmud.Idrewmyfeetoutofthewater.ButIdidnotopenmyeyesuntilthefiringhadstopped."Iwasnotaloneinthatshellhole.Halfin,halfoutofthewateroppositemewasagrayishmass.AGermancorpse,longdead,halfeatenbyrats.Itsstomachgaped,anditlaylikeawomanwithastillbornchildbesideit.Anditsmelt…itsmeltasyoucanimagine."Istayedinthatcraterallnight.Iaccustomedmyselftothemephiticstench.Itgrewcold,andIthoughtIhadafever.ButImadeupmymindnottomoveuntilthebattlewasover.Iwaswithoutshame.IevenhopedtheGermanswouldoverrunourpositionsandsoallowmetogivemyselfupasaprisoner."Fever.ButwhatIthoughtwasfeverwasthefireofexistence,thepassiontoexist.Iknowthatnow.Adeliriumvivens.Idonotmeantodefendmyself.Alldeliriaaremoreorlessantisocial,andIspeakclinically,notphilosophically.ButIpossessedthatnightanalmosttotalrecallofphysicalsensations.Andtheserecalls,ofeventhesimplestandleastsublimethings,aglassofwater,thesmelloffryingbacon,seemedtometosurpassoratleastequalthememoriesofthegreatestart,thenoblestmusic,evenmytenderestmomentswithLily.IexperiencedtheveryoppositeofwhattheGermanandFrenchmetaphysiciansofourcenturyhaveassuredusisthetruth:thatallthatisotherishostiletotheindividual.

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