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Chapter 39

           Thiswasthegreatestgiftthathehad,thetalentthatfittedhimforwar;thatabilitynottoignorebuttodespisewhateverbadendingtherecouldbe.Thisqualitywasdestroyedbytoomuchresponsibilityforothersorthenecessityofundertakingsomethingillplannedorbadlyconceived.Forinsuchthingsthebadending,failure,couldnotbeignored.Itwasnotsimplyapossibilityofharmtoone’sself,whichcouldbeignored.Heknewhehimselfwasnothing,andheknewdeathwasnothing.Heknewthattruly,astrulyasheknewanything.Inthelastfewdayshehadlearnedthathehimself,withanotherperson,couldbeeverything.Butinsidehimselfheknewthatthiswastheexception.Thatwehavehad,hethought.InthatIhavebeenmostfortunate.Thatwasgiventome,perhaps,becauseIneveraskedforit.Thatcannotbetakenawaynorlost.Butthatisoveranddonewithnowonthismorningandwhatthereistodonowisourwork.

           Andyou,hesaidtohimself,Iamgladtoseeyougettingalittlesomethingbackthatwasbadlymissingforatime.Butyouwereprettybadbackthere.Iwasashamedenoughofyou,thereforawhile.OnlyIwasyou.Therewasn’tanymetojudgeyou.Wewereallinbadshape.Youandmeandbothofus.Comeonnow.Quitthinkinglikeaschizophrenic.Oneatatime,now.You’reallrightagainnow.Butlisten,youmustnotthinkofthegirlalldayever.Youcandonothingnowtoprotectherexcepttokeepheroutofit,andthatyouaredoing.Thereareevidentlygoingtobeplentyofhorsesifyoucanbelievethesigns.

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