Волхв

Chapter 12

           Therewastheinfinitesimallapofthetransparentbluewateronthestones,thewaitingtrees,themyriaddynamosoftheinsects,andtheenormouslandscapeofsilence.Idozedunderthethinshadeofapine,intheagelessness,theabsolutedissociationofwildGreece.Thesunmoved,cameonme,andmademeerotic.IthoughtofAlison,ofsexthingswehaddonetogether.Iwishedshewasbesideme,naked.Wewouldhavemadeloveagainstthepineneedles,thenswum,thenmadeloveagain.Iwasfilledwithadrysadness,amixtureofrememberingandknowing;rememberingwhatwasandwhatmighthavebeenandknowingitwasallpast,atthesametimeknowing,orbeginningtoknow,thatotherthingswerehappilypastatleastsomeofmyillusionsaboutmyself,andthenthesyphilis,fortherewerenosignsthatitwasgoingtocomeback.Ifeltphysicallyverywell.WhatwasgoingtobecomeofmylifeIdidn’tknow;butlyingtherethatdaybytheseaitdidn’tseemtomattermuch.Tobewasenough.Ifeltmyselfinsuspension,waitingwithoutfearforsomeimpulsetodrivemeon.IturnedonmystomachandmadelovetothememoryofAlison,likeananimal,withoutguiltorshame,ameremachineforsensationspreadeagledontheearth.ThenIranacrosstheburningstonesintothesea.Iclimbedthepathbythewireandtheundergrowth,passedroundthepeelinggate,themysterioussign,andstoodinthegrassytrack.Itranlevel,curvedanddippedalittle,emergedfromthetrees.

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