Волхв

Chapter 76

           ButnowIfeltit;andby"feel"ImeanthatIknewIhadtochooseit,everyday,eventhoughIwentonfailingtokeepit,hadeverydaytochooseit,everydaytotrytolivebyit.AndIknewthatitwasallboundupwithAlison;withchoosingAlison,andhavingtogoonchoosinghereveryday.WhenLilydeSeitashadwhispereditinmyearIhadtakenitasaretrospectivething,acommentonmypast;andonmyanecdote.Butithadbeenasignposttomyfuture.Adulthoodwaslikeamountain,andIstoodatthefootofthiscliffofice,thisimpossibleandunclimbable:Thoushaltnotcommitpain."CouldIhaveafag,Nick?"Iwentandgotheracigarette.Shelaypuffingit;intermittentlyred-apple-checked,watchingme.Iheldherhand."Whatareyouthinking,Jojo?""Sposin’she…""Doesn’tcome?""Yes.""I’llmarryyou.""That’safib.""Giveyoulotsoffatbabieswithfatcheeksandgrinslikemonkeys.""Ochyoucruelmonster."Shestaredatme;silence;darkness;frustratedtenderness.IrememberedhavingsatthesamewaywithAlison,intheroomoffBakerStreet,theOctoberbefore.Andthememorytoldme,inthesimplestandmostrevealingway,howmuchIhadchanged."SomeonemuchnicerthanIamwilloneday.""Isshelikemeatall?""Yes.""Ohaye.I’llbet.Puirgirl.""Becauseyou’reboth…notlikeeverybodyelse,""There’sonlyoneofeveryone."Iwentoutandputashillinginthemeter;thenstoodinthedoorwaybetweenthetworooms."Yououghttoliveinthesuburbs,Jojo.Orworkinafactory.Orgotoapublicschool

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