Волхв

Chapter 63

           ThentooIseemedtoseemyownbehavior,Ihadwokenupseeingit,inabetterlight;thetrialandthedisintoxicationwereevilfantasiessenttotestmynormality,andmynormalityhadtriumphed.TheyweretheoneswhohadbeenfinallyhumiliatedandIsawthatperhapsthatastoundinglastperformancehadbeenintendedtobeamutualhumiliation.Whileithappenedithadseemedlikeavicioustwistingofthedaggerinanalreadysufficientwound;butnowIsawitmightalsobeakindofrevengegivenmefortheirspying,theirvoyeurism,onAlisonandmyself.Ihadthis:beingobscurelyvictorious.Beingfreeagain,butinanewfreedom…purgedinsomeway.Asiftheyhadmiscalculated.Itgrew,thisfeeling,itbecameajoytotouchthewarmrockonwhichIsat,tohavethemeltemiblowing,tosmelltheGreekairagain,tobealoneonthispeculiarupland,thislostGibraltar,aplaceIhadevenmeanttovisitoneday.Analysis,revenge,recording:allthatwouldcomelater,astheexplanationsattheschool,thedecisiontoremainornotforanotheryear,wouldhavetobemadelater.Theall-importantwasthatIhadsurvived,Ihadcomethrough.LaterIrealizedthattherewassomethingartificial,unnatural,inthisjoy,thisglossingoveralltheindignities,theexploiteddeathofAlison,themonstrouslibertiestakenwithmyliberty;andIsupposethatithadallbeeninducedunderhypnosisbyConchisagain.Itwouldhavebeenpartofthecomforts;likethecoffeeandthesandwiches.Iopenedtheblackbox.

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