Волхв

Chapter 62

           Ididnotknowmyselfwhatitreallymeanttosay:whetherthatIwasinpainorthatifIeversawhimagainIwouldtearhimlimbfromlimb."Icometotellyouthatyouarenowelect."Ishookmyheadviolentlyfromsidetoside."Youhavenochoice."Istillshookmyhead,butmorewearily.Hestaredatme,withthoseeyesthatseemedolderthanoneman’slifetime,andalittlegleamofsympathycameintohisexpression,asifafterallhehadputtoomuchpressureonaverythinlever."Learntosmile,Nicholas.Learntosmile."Itcametomethathemeantsomethingdifferentby"smile"thanIdid;thattheirony,thehumorlessness,theruthlessnessIhadalwaysnoticedinhissmilingwasaqualityhedeliberatelyinserted;thatforhimthesmilewassomethingessentiallycruel,becausefreedomiscruel,becausethefreedomthatmakesusatleastpartlyresponsibleforwhatweareiscruel.Sothatthesmilewasnotsomuchanattitudetobetakentolifeasthenatureofthecrueltyoflife,acrueltywecannotevenchoosetoavoid,sinceitishumanexistence.Hemeantsomethingfarstrangerby"Learntosmile"thanaSmilesian"Grinandbearit."Ifanything,itmeant"Learntobecruel,learntobedry,learntosurvive."Hegavethesmallestofbows,onefullofirony,ofthecontemptimplicitinincongruouscourtesy,thenwent.Assoonashehadgone,AntoncameinwithAdamandtheotherblackshirts.Theyundidthehandcuffsandgotmyarmsdown.AlongblackpoletwooftheblackshirtswerecarryingwasunrolledandIsawastretcher

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