Волхв

Chapter 52

           GobacktoEnglandandmakeitupwiththisgirlyouspokeof.Marryherandhaveafamilyandlearntobewhatyoureallyare."Ihadmyeyesontheground.IwantedtoshoutathimthatAlisonwasdead;andlargelybecausehehadwovenJulie’slifethroughmine.ItrembledonthebrinkoftellinghimIwantednomoredeceptions,nomorecomedy,roseounoir.PerhapsIreallywantedtosqueezesomesympathyoutofthatdryheart."Isthathowyoulearnwhatyouare?Marryingandhavingafamily?""Whynot?""Asteadyjobandahouseinthesuburbs?""Excellent.""I’dratherdie."Hegaveashrugofregret,butasifhedidn’treallycare."Come.Youhaveneverheardmeplaymyclavichord."Ifollowedhimindoorsandupstairs.Hewenttothelittletableandliftedthelidrevealingthekeyboardunderneath.Isatbyhiscloseddesk,watchingtheBonnards.Hebegantoplay.ThoseBonnards,theireternaloutpouringofagoldenhappiness,hauntedme;theywerelikewindowsonaworldIhadtriedtoreachallmylife,andfailed;theyhadremindedmeofAlison,orratherofthebestofmyrelationshipwithAlison,before;andnowtheybredakindofWatteau-likemelancholyinme,theforevergonenessofpictureslikeL’EmbarcationpourCythere.AsifBonnardhadcapturedarealitysorealthatitcouldnotexist;oronlyasadream,alookingbackandseeingwherethewaywaslostandifithadnotbeenlostbutithadbeenlost…thenIthoughtofJulie.OnedayIshouldseeherso,nakedatasunlitwindow;mynakedwife.

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