Волхв

Chapter 51

           AssoonasthesoundsoffootstepsandvoiceshaddieddownandIknewschoolhadbegunIpulledonmyclothesandwentout.Iwantedtogetawayfromtheschool,thevillage,fromBourani,fromeverything.Iwentalongthenorthcoasttoadesertedcoveandsatthereonastoneandpulledoutthecuttingsagainandrereadthem.June29th.Oneofthelastthingsshemusthavedonewastopostmyletterbackunopened.Perhapsthelastthing.ForamomentIfeltangrywiththeothergirl;butIrememberedher,herflat,primface,andherkindeyes.ShewrotestiltedEnglish,butshewouldneverdeliberatelyleaveanyoneinthelurch;thatsortneverdid.AndIknewthosetwosidesofAlisonthehardpracticalsidethatmisledoneintobelievingshecouldgetoveranything;andtheotherapparentlyratherhistrionicAlisonthatonecouldneverquitetakeseriously.Inatragicwaythesetwosideshadfinallycombined:therewouldhavebeennofakesuicideswithher,noswallowingafewtabletswhensheknewsomeonewouldcomeinanhour’stime.Butaweekendtodie.ItwasnotonlythatIfeltguiltyofjettisoningAlison.Iknew,withoneofthosesecretknowledgesthatcanexistbetweentwopeople,thathersuicidewasadirectresultofmyhavingtoldherofmyownattemptIhadtolditwithacurtmeiosisthatwasmeanttoconcealdepths;andshehadcalledmybluffonefinaltime.Idon’tthinkyouknowwhatsadnessmeans.

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