Волхв

Chapter 5

           "Ifithadn’tbeenyou,I’dhavewalkedoutthisevening."

           "Ifithadn’tbeenyouIwouldn’thavecomeback."

           Sheheldoutherglassformorewhisky.Ikissedherwrist,andwentandgotthebottle.

           "YouknowwhatIthoughttoday?"Shesaiditacrosstheroom.

           "No."

           "IfIkilledmyself,you’dbepleased.You’dbeabletogoroundsaying,shekilledherselfbecauseofme.Ithinkthatwouldalwayskeepmefromsuicide.Notlettingsomelousyslitlikeyougetthecredit."

           "That’snotfair."

           "ThenIthoughtIcoulddoitifIwroteanotefirstexplainingwhyIdidit."Sheeyedme,stillhostile."Lookinmyhandbag.Theshorthandpad."Igotitout."Lookattheback."

           Thereweretwopagesscrawledinherbighandwriting.

           "Whendidyouwritethis?"

           "Readit."

           

           Idon’twanttoliveanymore,itsaid.Ispendmostofmylifenotwantingtolive.TheonlyplaceIamhappyisherewherewe’rebeingtaught,andIhavetothinkofsomethingelse,orreadingbooks,orinthecinema.Orinbed.I’monlyhappywhenIforgetIexist.Whenjustmyeyesormyearsormyskinexist.Ican’trememberhavingbeenhappyfortwoorthreeyears.Sincetheabortion.AllIcanrememberisforcingmyselfsometimestolookhappysoifIcatchsightofmyfaceinthemirrorImightkidmyselfforamomentIreallyamhappy.

           

           Thereweretwomoresentencesheavilycrossedout.Ilookedupintohergrayeyes,stillwatchingme.

           "Youcan’tmeanthis."

           "Iwroteittodayincoffee-time.

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