Волхв

Chapter 42

           Itwasn’tthatIwantedonemorethantheother,Iwantedboth,Ihadtohaveboth;therewasnoemotionaldishonestyinit.Theonlydishonestywasinmyfeelingdishonest,concealing…itwaslovethatfinallydrovemetoconfess,notcruelty,notawishtobefree,tobecallousandclear,butsimplylove.Ithink,inthosefewlongmoments,thatAlisonsawthat.Shemusthaveseensomethingtornandsadinmyface,becauseshesaid,verygently,"What’swrong?""Ihaven’thadsyphilis.It’sallalie."Shegavemeanintenselook,thensankbackonthegrass."OhNicholas.""Iwanttotellyouwhat’sreallyhappened.""Notnow.Pleasenotnow.Whatever’shappened,comeandmakelovetome."Andwedidmakelove;notsex,butlove;thoughsexwouldhavebeensomuchwiser.LyingbesideherIbegantotrytodescribewhathadhappenedatBourani.TheancientGreekssaidthatifonesleptanightonParnassuseitheronebecameinspiredoronewentmad,andtherewasnodoubtwhichhappenedtome;evenasIspokeIknewitwouldhavebeenbettertosaynothing,tohavemadesomethingup…butlove,thatneedtobenaked.Ihadchosentheworstofallpossiblemomentstobehonest,andlikemostpeoplewhohavespentmuchoftheiradultlifebeingemotionallydishonest,Iovercalculatedthesympathyafinalbeinghonestwouldbring…butlove,thatneedtobeunderstood.AndParnassuswasalsotoblame,forbeingsoGreek;aplacethatmadeanythingbutthetruthamindsore.

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