Волхв

Chapter 36

           Itwasasifthelullingsoundofthesea,thefeelofthewind,thetextureofmycoat,andhisvoicedroppedoutofmyconsciousness.TherewasastagewhenIwasmyself,lookingatthestar,stilllyingontheterrace;Imeanawareoflyingandwatchingthestar,ifnotofanythingelse.Thencameastrangeillusion;notthatIwaslookingup,butdownintospace,asonelooksdownawell.Thentherewasnoclearlysituatedandenvironmentedself;therewasthestar,notcloserbutwithsomethingoftheisolationatelescopegives;notoneofapatternofstars,butitself,floatingintheblue-blackbreathofspace,inakindofvoid.Irememberveryclearlythissense,thiscompletelynewstrangeperceivingofthestarasaballofwhitelightbothbreedingandneedingthevoidaroundit;of,inretrospect,arelatedsensethatIwasexactlythesame,suspendedinadarkvoid.Iwaswatchingthestarandthestarwaswatchingme.Wewerepoised,exactlyequalweights,ifonecanthinkofawarenessasaweight,heldlevelinabalance.Thisseemedtoendureandendure,Idon’tknowhowlong,twoentitiesequallysuspendedinavoid,equallyopposite,devoidofanymeaningorfeeling.Therewasnosensationofbeauty,ofmorality,ofdivinity,ofphysicalgeometry;simplythesensationofthesituation.Asananimalmightfeel.Thenariseoftension.Iwasexpectingsomething.Thewaitingwasawaitingfor.Ididnotknowifitwouldbeaudibleorvisible,whichsense.Butitwastryingtocome,andIwastryingtodiscoveritscoming.

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