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Chapter 4

           Inourageitisnotsexthatraisesitsuglyhead,butlove.

           OneeveningwewenttoseeCarne’soldfilmQuaidesBrumes.Shewascryingwhenwecameoutandshebegantocryagainwhenwewereinbed.Shesensedmydisapproval.

           "You’renotme.Youcan’tfeellikeIfeel."

           "Icanfeel."

           "Noyoucan’t.Youjustchoosenottofeelorsomething,andeverything’sfine."

           "It’snotfine.It’sjustnotsobad."

           "ThatfilmmademefeelwhatIfeelabouteverything.Thereisn’tanymeaning.Youtryandtrytobehappyandthensomethingchancehappensandit’sallgone.It’sbecausewedon’tbelieveinalifeafterdeath."

           "Notdon’t.Can’t."

           "EverytimeyougooutandI’mnotwithyouIthinkyoumaydie.Ithinkaboutdyingeveryday.EverytimeIhaveyou,Ithinkthisisoneintheeyefordeath.Youknow,you’vegotalotofmoneyandtheshopsaregoingtoshutinanhour.It’ssick,butyou’vegottospend.Doesthatmakesense?"

           "Ofcourse.Thebomb."

           Shelaysmoking.

           "It’snotthebomb.It’sus."

           

           Shedidn’tfallforthesolitaryheart;shehadanoseforemotionalblackmail.Shethoughtitmustbenicetobetotallyaloneintheworld,tohavenofamilyties.WhenIwasgoingononedayinthecaraboutnothavinganyclosefriendsusingmyfavoritemetaphor:thecageofglassbetweenmeandtherestoftheworldshejustlaughed."Youlikeit,"shesaid."Yousayyou’reisolated,boyo,butyoureallythinkyou’redifferent."

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