Волхв

Chapter 27

           Iwasexperiencingwhathemeant;anewselfacceptance,asensethatIhadtobethismindandthisbody,itsvicesanditsvirtues,andthatIhadnootherchanceorchoice.Itwasanawarenessofanewkindofpotentiality,oneverydifferentfrommyoldsenseoftheword,whichhadbeenbasedontheillusionsofambition.Themessofmylife,theseffishnessesandfalseturningsandthetreacheries,allthesethingscouldfallintoplace,theycouldbecomeasourceofconstructionratherthanasourceofchaos,andpreciselybecauseIhadnootherchoice.Itwascertainlynotamomentofnewmoralresolve,oranythinglikeit;Isupposeouracceptingwhatwearemustalwaysinhibitourbeingwhatweoughttobe;forallthat,itfeltlikeastepforwardandupward.Hehadfinished,waswatchingme."Youmakewordsseemshabbythings.""Bachdoes.""Andyou."Hegrimaced,butIcouldseehewasnotunpleased,thoughhetriedtohideitbymarchingmeofftogivehisvegetablestheireveningwatering.AnhourlaterIwasinthelittlebedroomagain.IsawthatIhadnewbooksbymybedside.TherewasfirstaverythinvolumeinFrench,aboundpamphlet,anonymousandprivatelyprinted,Paris,1932;itwasentitledDelacommunicationintermondiale.Iguessedtheauthoreasilyenough.Thentherewasafolio:WildLifeinScandinavia.AswithTheBeautiesofNatureoftheweekbefore,the"wildlife"turnedouttobeallfemalevariousNordic-lookingwomenlying,standing,running,embracingamongthefirforestsandfjords.

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