Волхв

Chapter 24

           PerhapsbecauseIsaidthatevenifIreturnedIshouldnowbeshot.Thenextdayhewenttoseemymother.Ithinkthathemayhavegivenherthechoice.Ofdoingherdutyasacitizenorasamother.Shecametoseeme,withalackofspokenreproachthatwasworsetomethanoPappous’sanger.Iknewwhatshewouldsufferwhenmyfatherheardthetruth.SheandoPappouscametoadecision.IwouldhavetobesmuggledoutofEnglandtoourfamilyintheArgentine.FortunatelyoPappoushadboththemoneyandthenecessaryrelationsintheshippingworld.Thearrangementsweremade.Adatewasfixed."Ilivedinhishouseforthreeweeks,unabletogoout,insuchanagonyofself-disgustandfearthatmanytimesIwantedtogivemyselfup.AboveallitwasthethoughtofLilythattorturedme.Ihadpromisedtowriteeveryday.AndofcourseIcouldnot.Whatotherpeoplethoughtofme,Ididnotcare.ButIwasdesperatetoconvinceherthatIwassaneandtheworldwasmad.Itmayhavesomethingtodowithintelligence,butIamcertainithasnothingtodowithknowledgeImeanthattherearepeoplewhohaveaninstinctiveyetperfectmoraljudgment,whocanperformthemostcomplexethicalcalculationsasIndianpeasantscansometimesperformastoundingmathematicalcalculations.Inamatterofseconds.Lilywassuchaperson.AndIcravedhersanction."OneeveningIcouldstanditnolonger.IslippedoutofmyhidingplaceandwenttoSt.John’sWood.ItwasaneveningwhenIknewLilywentafterdinnertoaweeklypatrioticsewingandknittingcircle.

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