My First Dissipation

           Itwasawonderfullyfinethingtohavethatloftycastletomyself,andtofeel,whenIshutmyouterdoor,likeRobinsonCrusoe,whenhehadgotintohisfortification,andpulledhisladderupafterhim.Itwasawonderfullyfinethingtowalkabouttownwiththekeyofmyhouseinmypocket,andtoknowthatIcouldaskanyfellowtocomehome,andmakequitesureofitsbeinginconvenienttonobody,ifitwerenotsotome.Itwasawonderfullyfinethingtoletmyselfinandout,andtocomeandgowithoutawordtoanyone,andtoringMrs.Cruppup,gasping,fromthedepthsoftheearth,whenIwantedherandwhenshewasdisposedtocome.Allthis,Isay,waswonderfullyfine;butImustsay,too,thatthereweretimeswhenitwasverydreary.

           Itwasfineinthemorning,particularlyinthefinemornings.Itlookedaveryfresh,freelife,bydaylight:stillfresher,andmorefree,bysunlight.Butasthedaydeclined,thelifeseemedtogodowntoo.Idon’tknowhowitwas;itseldomlookedwellbycandle-light.Iwantedsomebodytotalkto,then.ImissedAgnes.Ifoundatremendousblank,intheplaceofthatsmilingrepositoryofmyconfidence.Mrs.Cruppappearedtobealongwayoff.Ithoughtaboutmypredecessor,whohaddiedofdrinkandsmoke;andIcouldhavewishedhehadbeensogoodastolive,andnotbothermewithhisdecease.

           Aftertwodaysandnights,IfeltasifIhadlivedthereforayear,andyetIwasnotanhourolder,butwasquiteasmuchtormentedbymyownyouthfulnessasever.

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