Уловка 22

Lieutenant Scheisskopf

           LieutenantScheisskopfhaddiscoveredinhisextensiveresearchthatthehandsofmarchers,insteadofswingingfreely,aswasthenthepopularfashion,oughtnevertobemovedmorethanthreeinchesfromthecenterofthethigh,whichmeant,ineffect,thattheywerescarcelytobeswungatall.

           LieutenantScheisskopf’spreparationswereelaborateandclandestine.Allthecadetsinhissquadronweresworntosecrecyandrehearsedinthedeadofnightontheauxiliaryparadeground.Theymarchedindarknessthatwaspitchandbumpedintoeachotherblindly,buttheydidnotpanic,andtheywerelearningtomarchwithoutswingingtheirhands.LieutenantScheisskopf’sfirstthoughthadbeentohaveafriendofhisinthesheetmetalshopsinkpegsofnickelalloyintoeachman’sthighbonesandlinkthemtothewristsbystrandsofcopperwirewithexactlythreeinchesofplay,buttherewasn’ttimetherewasneverenoughtimeandgoodcopperwirewashardtocomebyinwartime.Herememberedalsothatthemen,sohampered,wouldbeunabletofallproperlyduringtheimpressivefaintingceremonyprecedingthemarchingandthataninabilitytofaintproperlymightaffecttheunit’sratingasawhole.

           Andallweeklonghechortledwithrepresseddelightattheofficers’club.Speculationgrewrampantamonghisclosestfriends.

           "IwonderwhatthatShitheadisupto,"LieutenantEnglesaid.

           LieutenantScheisskopfrespondedwithaknowingsmiletothequeriesofhiscolleagues."You’llfindoutSunday,"hepromised."You’llfindout."

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