Сияние

Night Thoughts

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           Evenaftertheaccident-ifyoucouldcallitanaccident-shehadnotbeenabletobringitallthewayout,toadmitthathermarriagewasalopsideddefeat.Shehadwaited,dumblyhopingthatamiraclewouldoccurandJackwouldseewhatwashappening,notonlytohimbuttoher.Buttherehadbeennoslowdown.AdrinkbeforegoingofftotheAcademy.TwoorthreebeerswithlunchattheStovingtonHouse.Threeorfourmartinisbeforedinner.Fiveorsixmorewhilegradingpapers.Theweekendswereworse.ThenightsoutwithAlShockleywereworsestill.Shehadneverdreamedtherecouldbesomuchpaininalifewhentherewasnothingphysicallywrong.Shehurtallthetime.Howmuchofitwasherfault?Thatquestionhauntedher.Shefeltlikehermother.Likeherfather.Sometimes,whenshefeltlikeherselfshewonderedwhatitwouldbelikeforDanny,andshedreadedthedaywhenhegrewoldenoughtolayblame.Andshewonderedwheretheywouldgo.Shehadnodoubthermotherwouldtakeherin,andnodoubtthatafterayearofwatchingherdiapersremade,Danny’smealsrecookedand/orredistributed,ofcominghometofindhisclotheschangedorhishaircutorthebookshermotherfoundunsuitablespiritedawaytosomelimbointheattic…afterhalfayearofthat,shewouldhaveacompletenervousbreakdown.Andhermotherwouldpatherhandandsaycomfortingly,Althoughit’snotyourfault,it’sallyourownfault.Youwereneverready.Youshowedyourtruecolorswhenyoucamebetweenyourfatherandme.

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