Уловка 22

Major Major Major Major

           Whenhegavetocharity,hislefthandneverknewwhathisrighthandwasdoing.HeneveroncetookthenameoftheLordhisGodinvain,committedadulteryorcovetedhisneighbor’sass.Infact,helovedhisneighborandneverevenborefalsewitnessagainsthim.MajorMajor’seldersdislikedhimbecausehewassuchaflagrantnonconformist.

           Sincehehadnothingbettertodowellin,hedidwellinschool.AtthestateuniversityhetookhisstudiessoseriouslythathewassuspectedbythehomosexualsofbeingaCommunistandsuspectedbytheCommunistsofbeingahomosexual.HemajoredinEnglishhistory,whichwasamistake.

           "Englishhistory!"roaredthesilver-manedseniorSenatorfromhisstateindignantly."What’sthematterwithAmericanhistory?Americanhistoryisasgoodasanyhistoryintheworld!"

           MajorMajorswitchedimmediatelytoAmericanliterature,butnotbeforetheF.B.I.hadopenedafileonhim.ThereweresixpeopleandaScotchterrierinhabitingtheremotefarmhouseMajorMajorcalledhome,andfiveofthemandtheScotchterrierturnedouttobeagentsfortheF.B.I.SoontheyhadenoughderogatoryinformationonMajorMajortodowhatevertheywantedtowithhim.Theonlythingtheycouldfindtodowithhim,however,wastakehimintotheArmyasaprivateandmakehimamajorfourdayslatersothatCongressmenwithnothingelseontheirmindscouldgotrottingbackandforththroughthestreetsofWashington,D.C.,chanting,"WhopromotedMajorMajor?

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