Тонкое искусство пофигизма

           Andifthecheaterdoesn’tadmitthisorcometotermswithit,ifhejustgivestheold“Idon’tknowwhatIwasthinking;Iwasstressedoutanddrunkandshewasthere”response,thenhelackstheseriousself-awarenessnecessarytosolveanyrelationshipproblems.

           Whatneedstohappenisthatcheatershavetostartpeelingawayattheirself-awarenessonionandfigureoutwhatfucked-upvaluescausedthemtobreakthetrustoftherelationship(andwhethertheyactuallystillvaluetherelationship).Theyneedtobeabletosay,“Youknowwhat:Iamselfish.Icareaboutmyselfmorethantherelationship;tobehonest,Idon’treallyrespecttherelationshipmuchatall.”Ifcheaterscan’texpresstheirshittyvalues,andshowthatthosevalueshavebeenoverridden,thenthere’snoreasontobelievethattheycanbetrusted.Andiftheycan’tbetrusted,thentherelationshipisnotgoingtogetbetterorchange.

           Theotherfactorinregainingtrustafterit’sbeenbrokenisapracticalone:atrackrecord.Ifsomeonebreaksyourtrust,wordsarenice;butyouthenneedtoseeaconsistenttrackrecordofimprovedbehavior.Onlythencanyoubegintrustingthatthecheater’svaluesarenowalignedproperlyandthepersonreallywillchange.

           Unfortunately,buildingatrackrecordfortrusttakestime—certainlyalotmoretimethanittakestobreaktrust.Andduringthattrust-buildingperiod,thingsarelikelytobeprettyshitty.Sobothpeopleintherelationshipmustbeconsciousofthestrugglethey’rechoosingtoundertake.