Тонкое искусство пофигизма
Chapter 8
Forvictims,thehardestthingtodointheworldistoholdthemselvesaccountablefortheirproblems.They’vespenttheirwholelifebelievingthatothersareresponsiblefortheirfate.Thatfirststepoftakingresponsibilityforthemselvesisoftenterrifying.
Forsavers,thehardestthingtodointheworldistostoptakingresponsibilityforotherpeople’sproblems.They’vespenttheirwholelifefeelingvaluedandlovedonlywhenthey’resavingsomebodyelse—solettinggoofthisneedisterrifyingtothemaswell.
Ifyoumakeasacrificeforsomeoneyoucareabout,itneedstobebecauseyouwantto,notbecauseyoufeelobligatedorbecauseyoufeartheconsequencesofnotdoingso.Ifyourpartnerisgoingtomakeasacrificeforyou,itneedstobecauseheorshegenuinelywantsto,notbecauseyou’vemanipulatedthesacrificethroughangerorguilt.Actsoflovearevalidonlyifthey’reperformedwithoutconditionsorexpectations.
Itcanbedifficultforpeopletorecognizethedifferencebetweendoingsomethingoutofobligationanddoingitvoluntarily.Sohere’salitmustest:askyourself,“IfIrefused,howwouldtherelationshipchange?”Similarly,ask,“IfmypartnerrefusedsomethingIwanted,howwouldtherelationshipchange?”
Iftheansweristhatarefusalwouldcauseablowoutofdramaandbrokenchinaplates,thenthat’sabadsignforyourrelationship.
