Тонкое искусство пофигизма
Chapter 8
Thevictimcreatesmoreandmoreproblemstosolve—notbecauseadditionalrealproblemsexist,butbecauseitgetshertheattentionandaffectionshecraves.Thesaversolvesandsolves—notbecausesheactuallycaresabouttheproblems,butbecauseshebelievesshemustfixothers’problemsinordertodeserveattentionandaffectionforherself.Inbothcases,theintentionsareselfishandconditionalandthereforeself-sabotaging,andgenuineloveisrarelyexperienced.
Thevictim,ifhereallylovedthesaver,wouldsay,“Look,thisismyproblem;youdon’thavetofixitforme.JustsupportmewhileIfixitmyself.”Thatwouldactuallybeademonstrationoflove:takingresponsibilityforyourownproblemsandnotholdingyourpartnerresponsibleforthem.
Ifthesaverreallywantedtosavethevictim,thesaverwouldsay,“Look,you’reblamingothersforyourownproblems;dealwiththisyourself.”Andinasickway,thatwouldactuallybeademonstrationoflove:helpingsomeonesolvetheirownproblems.
Instead,victimsandsaversbothuseeachothertoachieveemotionalhighs.It’slikeanaddictiontheyfulfillinoneanother.Ironically,whenpresentedwithemotionallyhealthypeopletodate,theyusuallyfeelboredorlack“chemistry”withthem.Theypassonemotionallyhealthy,secureindividualsbecausethesecurepartner’ssolidboundariesdon’tfeel“exciting”enoughtostimulatetheconstanthighsnecessaryintheentitledperson.
