Тонкое искусство пофигизма

           Thisgoesnotjustforromanticrelationships,bytheway,butalsoforfamilyrelationshipsandfriendships.Anoverbearingmothermaytakeresponsibilityforeveryprobleminherchildren’slives.Herownentitlementthenencouragesanentitlementinherchildren,astheygrowuptobelieveotherpeopleshouldalwaysberesponsiblefortheirproblems.

           (Thisiswhytheproblemsinyourromanticrelationshipsalwayseerilyresembletheproblemsinyourparents’relationship.)

           Whenyouhavemurkyareasofresponsibilityforyouremotionsandactions—areaswhereit’sunclearwhoisresponsibleforwhat,whosefaultiswhat,whyyou’redoingwhatyou’redoing—youneverdevelopstrongvaluesforyourself.Youronlyvaluebecomesmakingyourpartnerhappy.Oryouronlyvaluebecomesyourpartnermakingyouhappy.

           Thisisself-defeating,ofcourse.AndrelationshipscharacterizedbysuchmurkinessusuallygodownliketheHindenburg,withallthedramaandfireworks.

           Peoplecan’tsolveyourproblemsforyou.Andtheyshouldn’ttry,becausethatwon’tmakeyouhappy.Youcan’tsolveotherpeople’sproblemsforthemeither,becausethatlikewisewon’tmakethemhappy.Themarkofanunhealthyrelationshipistwopeoplewhotrytosolveeachother’sproblemsinordertofeelgoodaboutthemselves.Rather,ahealthyrelationshipiswhentwopeoplesolvetheirownproblemsinordertofeelgoodabouteachother.