PROGRESS REPORT 17

           October3

           Downhill.ThoughtsofsuicidetostopitallnowwhileIamstillincontrolandawareoftheworldaroundme.ButthenIthinkofCharliewaitingatthewindow.Hislifeisnotminetothrowaway.I’vejustborroweditforawhile,andnowI’mbeingaskedtoreturnit.

           ImustrememberI’mtheonlypersonthiseverhap­penedto.AslongasIcan,I’vegottokeepputtingdownmythoughtsandfeelings.TheseprogressreportsareChar­lieGordon’scontributiontomankind.

           Ihavebecomeedgyandirritable.Havingfightswithpeopleinthebuildingaboutplayingthehi-fisetlateatnight.I’vebeendoingthatalotsinceI’vestoppedplayingthepiano.Itisn’trighttokeepitgoingallhours,butIdoittokeepmyselfawake.IknowIshouldsleep,butIbe­grudgeeverysecondofwakingtime.It’snotjustbecauseofthenightmares;it’sbecauseI’mafraidoflettinggo.

           Itellmyselfthere’llbetimeenoughtosleeplater,whenit’sdark.

           Mr.Vernorintheapartmentbelowneverusedtocomplain,butnowhe’salwaysbangingonthepipesorontheceilingofhisapartmentsothatIhearthepoundingbeneathmyfeet.Iignoreditatfirst,butlastnighthecameupinhisbathrobe.Wequarreled,andIslammedthedoorinhisface.AnhourlaterhewasbackwithapolicemanwhotoldmeIcouldn’tplayrecordsthatloudlyat4a.m.ThesmileonVernor’sfacesoenragedmethatitwasallIcoulddotokeepfromhittinghim.WhentheyleftIsmashedalltherecordsandthemachine.I’vebeenkiddingmyselfanyway.