Пятьдесят оттенков серого

           ”Iturnonmyheel,vaguelyamazedthatIdon’ttrip,andwithoutgivinghimasecondglance,Idisappeardownthesidewalktowardtheundergroundgarage.

           Onceunderneaththedark,coldconcreteofthegaragewithitsbleakfluorescentlight,Ileanagainstthewallandputmyheadinmyhands.WhatwasIthinking?Unbiddenandunwelcometearspoolinmyeyes.WhyamIcrying?Isinktotheground,angryatmyselfforthissenselessreaction.Drawingupmyknees,Ifoldinonmyself.Iwanttomakemyselfassmallaspossible.PerhapsthisnonsensicalpainwillbesmallerthesmallerIam.Placingmyheadonmyknees,Ilettheirrationaltearsfallunrestrained.IamcryingoverthelossofsomethingIneverhad.Howridiculous.Mourningsomethingthatneverwas—mydashedhopes,mydasheddreams,andmysouredexpectations.

           Ihaveneverbeenonthereceivingendofrejection.Okay…soIwasalwaysoneofthelasttobepickedforbasketballorvolleyball,butIunderstoodthat—runninganddoingsomethingelseatthesametimelikebouncingorthrowingaballisnotmything.Iamaseriousliabilityinanysportingfield.

           Romantically,though,I’veneverputmyselfoutthere,ever.Alifetimeofinsecurity—I’mtoopale,tooskinny,tooscruffy,uncoordinated,mylonglistoffaultsgoeson.SoIhavealwaysbeentheonetorebuffanywould-beadmirers.Therewasthatguyinmychemistryclasswholikedme,butnoonehaseversparkedmyinterest—nooneexceptChristianDamnGrey.