Пятьдесят оттенков серого

           ThepainissuchthatIrefusetoacknowledgeit.Ifeelnumb.Ihavesomehowescapedfrommybodyandamnowacasualobservertothisunfoldingtragedy.Ishowerquicklyandmethodically,thinkingonlyofeachsecondinfrontofme.Nowsqueezebodywashbottle.Putbodywashbottlebackinrack.Rubclothonface,onshoulders…onandon,allsimple,mechanicalactions,requiringsimple,mechanicalthoughts.

           Ifinishmyshower—andasIhaven’twashedmyhair,Icandrymyselfquickly.Idressinthebathroom,takingmyjeansandT-shirtoutofmysmallsuitcase.Myjeanschafeagainstmybackside,butquitefrankly,it’sapainIwelcomeasitdistractsmymindfromwhat’shappeningtomysplintering,shatteredheart.

           IstooptoshutmysuitcaseandthebagholdingChristian’sgiftcatchesmyeye,amodelkitforaBlanikL23glider,somethingforhimtobuild.Tearsthreaten.Ohno…happiertimes,whentherewashopeofmore.Itakeitoutofthecase,knowingthatIneedtogiveittohim.Quickly,Iripasmallpieceofpaperfrommynotebook,hastilyscribbleanoteforhim,andleaveitontopofthebox.

           Thisremindedmeofahappytime.

           Thankyou.

           Ana

           Igazeatmyselfinthemirror.Apaleandhauntedghoststaresbackatme.Iscoopmyhairintoabunandignorehowswollenmyeyelidsarefromthecrying.Mysubconsciousnodswithapproval.Evensheknowsnottobesnarkyrightnow.Icannotbelievethatmyworldiscrumblingaroundmeintoasterilepileofashes,allmyhopesanddreamscruellydashed.No,no,don’tthinkaboutit.Notnow,notyet.