Тонкое искусство пофигизма

           Thepainfrommyadolescenceledmedownaroadofentitlementthatlastedthroughmuchofmyearlyadulthood.WhereasJimmy’sentitlementplayedoutinthebusinessworld,wherehepretendedtobeahugesuccess,myentitlementplayedoutinmyrelationships,particularlywithwomen.Mytraumahadrevolvedaroundintimacyandacceptance,soIfeltaconstantneedtoovercompensate,toprovetomyselfthatIwaslovedandacceptedatalltimes.Andasaresult,Isoontooktochasingwomenthesamewayacocaineaddicttakestoasnowmanmadeoutofcocaine:Imadesweetlovetoit,andthenpromptlysuffocatedmyselfinit.

           Ibecameaplayer—animmature,selfish,albeitsometimescharmingplayer.AndIstrungupalongseriesofsuperficialandunhealthyrelationshipsforthebetterpartofadecade.

           Itwasn’tsomuchthesexIcraved,althoughthesexwasfun.Itwasthevalidation.Iwaswanted;Iwasloved;forthefirsttimesinceIcouldremember,Iwasworthy.Mycravingforvalidationquicklyfedintoamentalhabitofself-aggrandizingandoverindulgence.IfeltentitledtosayordowhateverIwanted,tobreakpeople’strust,toignorepeople’sfeelings,andthenjustifyitlaterwithshitty,half-assedapologies.

           Whilethisperiodcertainlyhaditsmomentsoffunandexcitement,andImetsomewonderfulwomen,mylifewasmoreorlessawreckthewholetime.