Тонкое искусство пофигизма

           Forinstance,ifImeasuremyselfbythestandard“MakeeveryoneImeetlikeme,”Iwillbeanxious,becausefailureis100percentdefinedbytheactionsofothers,notbymyownactions.Iamnotincontrol;thusmyself-worthisatthemercyofjudgmentsbyothers.

           WhereasifIinsteadadoptthemetric“Improvemysociallife,”Icanliveuptomyvalueof“goodrelationswithothers”regardlessofhowotherpeoplerespondtome.Myself-worthisbasedonmyownbehaviorsandhappiness.

           Shittyvalues,aswesawinchapter4,involvetangibleexternalgoalsoutsideofourcontrol.Thepursuitofthesegoalscausesgreatanxiety.Andevenifwemanagetoachievethem,theyleaveusfeelingemptyandlifeless,becauseoncethey’reachievedtherearenomoreproblemstosolve.

           Bettervalues,aswesaw,areprocess-oriented.Somethinglike“Expressmyselfhonestlytoothers,”ametricforthevalue“honesty,”isnevercompletelyfinished;it’saproblemthatmustcontinuouslybereengaged.Everynewconversation,everynewrelationship,bringsnewchallengesandopportunitiesforhonestexpression.Thevalueisanongoing,lifelongprocessthatdefiescompletion.

           Ifyourmetricforthevalue“successbyworldlystandards”is“Buyahouseandanicecar,”andyouspendtwentyyearsworkingyourassofftoachieveit,onceit’sachievedthemetrichasnothinglefttogiveyou.Thensayhellotoyourmidlifecrisis,becausetheproblemthatdroveyouyourentireadultlifewasjusttakenawayfromyou.