Сумерки

           Maybe,ifIlookedlikeagirlfromPhoenixshould,Icouldworkthistomyadvantage.Butphysically,I’dneverfitinanywhere.Ishouldbetan,sporty,blond-avolleyballplayer,oracheerleader,perhaps-allthethingsthatgowithlivinginthevalleyofthesun.

           Instead,Iwasivory-skinned,withouteventheexcuseofblueeyesorredhair,despitetheconstantsunshine.Ihadalwaysbeenslender,butsoftsomehow,obviouslynotanathlete;Ididn’thavethenecessaryhand-eyecoordinationtoplaysportswithouthumiliatingmyself-andharmingbothmyselfandanyoneelsewhostoodtooclose.

           WhenIfinishedputtingmyclothesintheoldpinedresser,Itookmybagofbathroomnecessitiesandwenttothecommunalbathroomtocleanmyselfupafterthedayoftravel.IlookedatmyfaceinthemirrorasIbrushedthroughmytangled,damphair.Maybeitwasthelight,butalreadyIlookedsallower,unhealthy.Myskincouldbepretty-itwasveryclear,almosttranslucent-looking-butitalldependedoncolor.Ihadnocolorhere.

           Facingmypallidreflectioninthemirror,IwasforcedtoadmitthatIwaslyingtomyself.Itwasn’tjustphysicallythatI’dneverfitin.AndifIcouldn’tfindanicheinaschoolwiththreethousandpeople,whatweremychanceshere?

           Ididn’trelatewelltopeoplemyage.MaybethetruthwasthatIdidn’trelatewelltopeople,period.Evenmymother,whoIwasclosertothananyoneelseontheplanet,wasneverinharmonywithme,neveronexactlythesamepage.