Цветы для Элджернона
PROGRESS REPORT 12
IwalkedsofastIwasdriftingalongthestreets,andthefeelingthathitmycheekwasacoolbreezeoutofthesummernight.Suddenlyfree.
IrealizenowthatmyfeelingforAlicehadbeenmovingbackwardagainstthecurrentofmylearning,fromworship,tolove,tofondness,toafeelingofgratitudeandresponsibility.Myconfusedfeelingforherhadbeenholdingmeback,andIhadclungtoheroutofmyfearofbeingforcedoutonmyown,andcutadrift.
Butwiththefreedomcameasadness.Iwantedtobeinlovewithher.Iwantedtoovercomemyemotionalandsexualfears,tomarry,havechildren,settledown.
Nowit’simpossible.IamjustasfarawayfromAlicewithanI.Q.of185asIwaswhenIhadanI.Q.of70.Andthistimewebothknowit.
June8
Whatdrivesmeoutoftheapartmenttoprowlthroughthecity?Iwanderthroughthestreetsalone—nottherelaxingstrollofasummernight,butthetensehurrytoget—where?Downalleyways,lookingintodoorways,peeringintohalf-shutteredwindows,wantingsomeonetotalktoandyetafraidtomeetanyone.Uponestreet,anddownanother,throughtheendlesslabyrinth,hurlingmyselfagainsttheneoncageofthecity.Searching...forwhat?
ImetawomaninCentralPark.Shewassittingonabenchnearthelake,withacoatclutchedaroundherdespitetheheat.Shesmiledandmotionedformetositbesideher.WelookedatthebrightskylineonCentralParkSouth,thehoneycomboflightedcellsagainsttheblackness,andIwishedIcouldabsorbthemall.
Yes,Itoldher,IwasfromNewYork.
