Chapter 14

           Julyfirst.Itpartstheyearlikethepartinaheadofhair.Ihadforeseenitasaboundarymarkerforme—yesterdayonekindofme,tomorrowadifferentkind.Ihadmademymovesthatcouldnotberecalled.Timeandincidentshadplayedalong,hadseemedtocollaboratewithme.IdidnoteverdrawvirtuedowntohidewhatIwasdoingfrommyself.NoonemademetakethecourseIhadchosen.TemporarilyItradedahabitofconductandattitudeforcomfortanddignityandacushionofsecurity.ItwouldbetooeasytoagreethatIdiditformyfamilybecauseIknewthatintheircomfortandsecurityIwouldfindmydignity.Butmyobjectivewaslimitedand,onceachieved,Icouldtakebackmyhabitofconduct.IknewIcould.Wardidnotmakeakillerofme,althoughforatimeIkilledmen.Sendingoutpatrols,knowingsomeofthemenwoulddie,arousednojoyinsacrificeinmeasitdidinsome,andIcouldneverjoyinwhatIhaddone,norexcuseorcondoneit.Themainthingwastoknowthelimitedobjectiveforwhatitwas,and,onceitwasachieved,tostoptheprocessinitstracks.ButthatcouldonlybeifIknewwhatIwasdoinganddidnotfoolmyself—securityanddignity,andthenstoptheprocessinitstracks.Iknewfromcombatthatcasualtiesarethevictimsofaprocess,notofangernorofhateorcruelty.AndIbelievethatinthemomentofacceptance,betweenwinnerandloser,betweenkillerandkilled,thereislove.

           ButDanny’sscribbledpapershurtlikeasorrow,andMarullo’sgratefuleyes.