Chapter 13

           Iwonderaboutpeoplewhosaytheyhaven’ttimetothink.Formyself,Icandoublethink.Ifindthatweighingvegetables,passingthetimeofdaywithcustomers,fightingorlovingMary,copingwiththechildren—noneofthesepreventsasecondandcontinuinglayerofthinking,wondering,conjecturing.Surelythismustbetrueofeveryone.Maybenothavingtimetothinkisnothavingthewishtothink.

           Inthestrange,unchartedcountryIhadentered,perhapsIhadnochoice.Questionsboiledup,demandingtobenoticed.AnditwasaworldsonewtomethatIpuzzledovermattersoldresidentsprobablysolvedandputawaywhentheywerechildren.

           IhadthoughtIcouldputaprocessinmotionandcontrolitateveryturn—evenstopitwhenIwantedto.Andnowthefrighteningconvictiongrewinmethatsuchaprocessmaybecomeathinginitself,apersonalmost,havingitsownendsandmeansandquiteindependentofitscreator.Andanothertroublesomethoughtcamein.DidIreallystartit,ordidIsimplynotresistit?Imayhavebeenthemover,butwasInotalsothemoved?Onceonthelongstreet,thereseemedtobenocross-roads,noforkedpaths,nochoice.

           Thechoicewasinthefirstevaluation.Whataremorals?Aretheysimplywords?Wasithonorabletoassessmyfather’sweakness,whichwasagenerousmindandtheill-foundeddreamthatothermenwereequallygenerous?No,itwassimplygoodbusinesstodigthepitforhim.Hefellintoithimself.Noonepushedhim.Wasitimmoraltostriphimwhenhewasdown?Apparentlynot."