Бойцовский клуб

           Therewastheairlinerepresentativeatthegate,andtherewasthesecuritytaskforceguytosay,ha,yourelectricrazorkeptyourcheckedbaggageatDulles. ThetaskforceguycalledthebaggagehandlersThrowers. ThenhecalledthemRampers. Toprovethingscouldbeworse,theguytoldmeatleastitwasn’tadildo. Then,maybebecauseI’maguyandhe’saguyandit’soneo’clockinthemorning,maybetomakemelaugh,theguysaidindustryslangforflightattendantwasSpaceWaitress. OrAirMattress. Itlookedliketheguywaswearingapilot’suniform,whiteshirtwithlittleepauletsandabluetie. Myluggagehadbeencleared,hesaid,andwouldarrivethenextday. 

           Thesecurityguyaskedmynameandaddressandphonenumber,andthenheaskedmewhatwasthedifferencebetweenacondomandacockpit. 

           "Youcanonlygetoneprickintoacondom,"hesaid. 

           Icabbedhomeonmylasttenbucks. 

           Thelocalpolicehadbeenaskingalotofquestions,too. 

           Myelectricrazor,whichwasn’tabomb,wasstillthreetimezonesbehindme. 

           Somethingwhichwasabomb,abigbomb,hadblastedmycleverNjurundacoffeetablesintheshapeofalimegreenyinandanorangeyangthatfittogethertomakeacircle. Welltheyweresplinters,now. 

           MyHaparandasofagroupwiththeorangeslipcovers,designbyErikaPekkari,itwastrash,now. 

           AndIwasn’ttheonlyslavetomynestinginstinct. ThepeopleIknowwhousedtositinthebathroomwithpornography,nowtheysitinthebathroomwiththeirIKEAfurniturecatalogue.